Ideal career for autistic me?

The first obvious autistic person I’ve interacted with was this boy – let’s call him “Joe”.
He was one of the students I was teaching more than a decade ago (I no longer teach), he was back then – 11 or 12 years old.
He shared the class with two other boys, they were really friendly and kind, they sometimes teased Joe but it did not develop into a bully that I know of and I saw them playing game together at times and I was very happy about it.

Joe couldn’t respond when he was “blamed” like when other boys said “Because you did…” or “you are being annoying”, Joe panicked, and screamed “Why me!” and “Because… because…” and no more words came out, he only cried out uncontrollably, it seemed like his brain didn’t process the logics he wanted to deliver.
Whenever there was a tension between the boys and Joe, I threw a question at Pokemon loving Joe – “What’s your current favourite pokemon, Joe?”.

The moment I asked him about Pokemon, he always turned to me with a huge smile on his face whatever the mental state he was in, and he stuttered a lot but he made a passionate speech about his favourite pokemon for minutes.
I couldn’t continue with the talk for long, we were supposed to be studying so I’d respond

“Yeah, I loved Pokemon when I was little and I had a lot like you, too – but I don’t recognise the new ones you guys have, Joe, can you do the next question?”

He turned straight back to his textbook with a great loud “Yes!” and start writing down his answers. It is actually hard to take care of both side of boys all at once but as for Joe, I knew that all I could give him was presentation of my acceptance for – not as far as his entire existence or personality as we don’t spend that much time together but at least his passion, motivation, his benevolence, and the rights and wrongs that he did, especially the right if he got any done, and what I’d strived to do was to keep his mental state positive, by telling him he was right for doing this while also wrong for doing this, so he can fix his behaviour in this way so everybody will be happy, including him.
When someone is autistic, it is extremely important to let them know what they did wrong but they were at the same time right for the things they have done, for example, if Joe let other boys use his game, and the boys teased him for the name of the Pokemon Joe’d named, Joe would most likely panic, and might even punch the boys – I’d say to Joe, it’s very kind and generous of him to let others use his belonging especially when it’s such an important thing to him, not many can do that (His right), but physically hurting another person is not the right thing to do (His wrong), so you should apologise to them for hurting them, at the same time, I want the boys to say thank you to Joe for lending the game.

That way they know what to fix, what to work on, what to improve – “What to do”. If you yell at them “Why do you do that to your friends!” and that’s all, they would most likely panic as they don’t know how to react or how to show their regret or apology, or even process logics to make any excuses.

His mother came to pick him up everyday after lesson, always looked down and hid her face with hair and stepped back when I tried to speak to her.
I obviously didn’t have an intention to tell her what he did wrong in the classroom unless he physically hurt anybody, destroyed classroom equipments or he got injured, I most of the time praised that he worked hard (he does homework punctually, and he is not a dumb kid, he can do work if he puts his mind to it), and I simply reported what we did during the lesson.
When I complimented anything about him, she seemed to smile a little bit but soon turned to rush back home with Joe.

I only spent a few hours every week with Joe but she’s been with him since his birth and everyday, I can feel how she fears the reaction of other people and she must have experienced a lot in that way, I am not going to tell her not to be scared of me, but all I was more than determined to do was always keep the right and wrong separated, and never let his autism influence on the way I look at or evaluate actions, behaviours and accomplishment of Joe.

When I was speaking about “homework” with my mother recently, I told her

“Some kids might come across ‘question’ or ‘curiosity’ why they have to do homework everyday, they already understood everything, or some may not even understand anything and they can’t answer the questions of the homework.

You can explain to them that homeworks are not for getting the high score, but it’s to learn and gain the skills that are needed when they grow up namely – ‘do task everyday at home’ for work, or for academic reasons, so getting a little work done at home everyday is the point, and you don’t need to get a perfect score for the homework”.

She said to me “If you can explain such things, maybe you will make a good teacher”.

Well, that’s her point, but how many students would question genuinely – why on earth they do homework everyday. Joe’s classmates would have no questions on that and gave me their homework everyday, I don’t know how Joe was educated at home but I don’t even think Joe had that question in his mind.

Also – I am aware that I am an extremist, my philosophy, logics and determinations and explanations tend to be quite extreme, and way too logical at times, and I am a little scared of influencing, flexible minded, free children with my ideas and opinions.

If it’s a grown up adult who can select and choose the information to learn, and whether or not to let that influence their opinion, if they can say “That’s good point, but that’s just you, I will believe my opinion”, I can openly speak to them about my opinion, but when it’s little child, they might instantly believe everything I say and might even think that way for a very long time.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do to influence young children to only pursue logically established amoral justice and righteousness, when they have a long standing future where they need to be flexible and adjustable, should I step in and narrow their perspective in any way?

As much as we are logical, we are also compassionate, back then I had an unconditional compassion and affection for all my students, it’s maybe because the students were all small children and I don’t know if I would do the same for adult students though.
There is this teacher with Asperger’s Syndrome that I know and she seems to have no problems with educating the children so I don’t think it’s a bad idea in anyway but

I don’t consider myself a good educator or a director, I guess I’d much rather prefer being educated forever and pursue the ultimate right that I can believe.

What they suffer, what we suffer

I am from Japan, and I write blog about Asperger’s Syndrome in Japanese on another platform as well as in English here. After finishing my post, I usually browse around and read other blogger’s blog posts about autism and those who have autistic spouse, and most of the time, I find comments like “We are the warriors, fighting against the monsters (Asperger’s Syndromes)”, or “We (non-autistic spouse) are the right and they ruin our lives!” and so on.
Basically – I’ve learnt how much we are hated for some reason.

I haven’t read through all of the articles Autism haters write, I’ve only been assuming how and why we can be hated so much.

Asperger’s Syndrome is a genetic and congenital developmental disorder, upbringing environment and past experiences do influence on how the symptoms appear and development of comorbidity but does not directly influence on whether or not the person is or becomes autistic, they have autism to begin with, you can’t change this fact by medical treatment or just by taking medicine, autism won’t disappear magically.

Comorbidity of Asperger’s Syndrome includes but not limited to:

  • Obsessive–compulsive disorder
  • Dissociative identity disorder
  • Bipolar disorder
  • Sleep disorders
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
  • Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder
  • Learning Disability
  • Eating disorder
  • Selective Mutism

That’s what we autistics suffer, and I have all of the above.
If we were to go to see a doctor and ask for a treatment, these are the diagnosis we will get and the doctors will try treating them – I believe (I haven’t been to one so it’s just an assumption).

However, as I read more blogs about Cassandra relationships and marriages involving an autistic partner, I realised they are not really the core of the problem.
The problem the group of people (wives, to be precise) who shows a strong hate on autism has is – with the characteristics and personalities of Asperger’s Syndrome, such as but not limited to:

  • Clumsiness
  • Careless in a way
  • Dense and slow
  • Lack of empathy
  • Stubborn and assertive
  • Doesn’t get jokes
  • Differences in interpretation
  • Not cooperative
  • Requires detailed directions or does not do anything

In fact, I’ve recently got to know this person who has an autistic family member asking me why autistic people behave in such ways and she asked me one day –

When her friends and she were out drinking and the autistic (male) friend was invited to that, the man was working and ran late to the outing and the people already gathering and drinking messaged him and asked him to get them 1 pack of 6 beers, the autistic man ran to a liquor shop and bought a box of 6 beers, and rushed to the place where everybody was drinking.
The people drinking before him questioned him why he bought beers outside the fridge, insisted that it was obvious they needed iced cold beers “because they were already drinking”.

She asked me – why he did not buy beers from the fridge but boxed ones, she continued, “everybody was wondering why”.

Well, we can’t.. or at least I or him can’t read the message underlying in silence the order we get, because he was ordered a box of beers, and he brought the correct product, what’s the problem? He must have been proud that he could help them and why does he have to be blamed?

I don’t know if my argument is right – morally or logically, or I could be as wrong as the autistic friend of hers but apparently after being blamed by everybody, he told them that “he wanted to join as soon as he could”, “he was angry that everybody started drinking even before his arrival”.

Honestly, I don’t know if his arguments were genuine and honest, and since I don’t go out drinking in general, I don’t share his feeling or have empathy for him, but I don’t think he did a wrong thing at all, and as she claims – he should have called them and asked what exactly they wanted – cold beer, what brand, if there are no beers in the fridge, what should he do – e.t.c… well, really?

That’s the kind of things apparently they can’t tolerate, while we are more focused on the comorbidity, rather than our individualities, our characteristics and uniquenesses are the things that seem to distress them.

We are – or many of us are conscious about our comorbidity, if we have OCD, it’s hard for us to live at times, depression as well, I believe some of autistic people take anti-depressant, many patients take medicines and go to doctor regularly to treat other disorders, because we clearly suffer from them.

However, if they say our “personality” distresses them and because our congenital brain function – say that we don’t notice a very little thing, or we don’t act before being asked, or that we stick to our own routine, or how bold and careless we are – we have no clue how to act otherwise, and I even doubt there is a direct cure to it.

I know because I’ve been told all above, and I’ve been told I have social and communication problems, and I’ve learnt the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome from others and because they accurately describe me, I am aware that I act autistically, but that doesn’t mean I can change the way I behave or think, I will do what I think is right to do for you, and you will most likely disagree with what I do, or possibly hate me for doing so, but that is my compassion, and sympathy. It is not as if we have no emotions, we do feel, we think – probably overthink.

If they say “Can you please cure autism”, or “Can you please stop behaving like autism”, or “Please go to doctor and get a remedy for your autism” – well, you can’t simply go to doctor and get rid of the core of the problem, if our “Personality” and “Behaviours” are the problem to you.

I – personally, with no offence, think autism is not as much of a disability like a physical disability like having no arms or being deaf, but if someone had no arms, you can’t tell them to have arms, or use arms to do things, but the person with no arms can live with no arms, to the best of their abilities and they can find other things they are great at.
You can’t change the fact, we can’t change what is already there, but we can live with the problems, if we have disabilities, we can live with them, if we can’t do certain things, we can avoid them and still live a life, there are always ways around to live through.

I guess it’s only a matter of acceptance of diversity, or somewhat “giving up”, it’s probably cultural differences as well, as autism was not much of a problem when I lived overseas but in Japan – suddenly we are – … I will leave this up to you to imagine.

Anyhow, there’s a difference between our perspective, our point of view and theirs, and that’s something we cannot think or see otherwise.

Asperger’s Syndrome and fame

They say “there were many great historical figures who had Asperger’s Syndrome”, then someone replies with “But there are also many great people without Asperger’s Syndrome”. That’s true, and that’s a kind of joke I laugh at.

Living with Asperger’s Syndrome can sometimes be a struggle, there are many obstacles and hatred we have to face, just living a life is sometimes even hard, if I blog (this blog is supposed by many, thanks so much), I get a lot of criticisms not on what I write but the fact that I am autistic, and that they hate autism in general. It at times gets me wonder how famous people with Asperger’s Syndrome does this thing called life.

Often when I think about famous autistic people, Greta Thunberg comes across my mind.

– From Wikipedia

A few years ago, it went viral that a Swedish environmental activist with Asperger’s Syndrome stood up, the news lines read everywhere that she had Asperger’s Syndrome.
No offence though she does look like one, her expression and the way she speaks, how she doesn’t fake smile all the time even for photos and above all, she looks honest and genuine.
Because media don’t anymore talk about her autism, I wondered what she thinks about autism and how she sees herself and I’ve found this article.

This article is more than 10 months old Greta Thunberg responds to Asperger’s critics: ‘It’s a superpower’

Interestingly enough, she didn’t speak out or have friends in her childhood, she stayed at home with eating disorder and she was depressed over the environmental issue at the age of 8 in 2011, later she was diagnosed with Asperger syndromeobsessive–compulsive disorder, and selective mutism where she spoke only when necessary (Well… I have that, too).

She must have been taken to the hospital by her parents considering her age then, though it’s amazing how well she’s handling autism at her current age (17).
Although I don’t know how she behaves like at home or among close people, in the article listed above, and on Twitter, she mentioned that Asperger’s Syndrome is a superpower, and she won’t let that limit her.

I am not an environmental activist, to be precise, I don’t know the actual facts and situations of the global warming and environmental pollution well enough to speak out about it (I need to know every detail of what’s possible and what’s not, what’s going on and what’s not, before speaking out), but as one Asperger’s, I do respect her and feel close to her.

Her obvious stubbornness and consistency may disturb people who are in favour of “Cooperativeness” and “compromises” in the society, however, at the same time I see many adults – grown up activists even say she’s charismatic and she’s a leader to them.

I was wondering how and whether she handles the criticisms and denials coming right into her face, not only for her presentation about the environment but some people have tendency to harass on personalities and behaviours of others – for some reason.
I’d imagine if I were her, many other people with positive mindset and the same will and determination around me would inspire and help me get through any situation to accomplish what I am passionate about, and I would be able to disregard any unnecessarily pessimistic and arrogant opinions – hence I assume as long as she is beyond sure that what she is doing is absolutely right, she has no reason to even take in any critics and or be bothered by them.

Certain amount of population hate Asperger’s Syndrome, from their experience and stereotypes, I’ve received a comment on my blog (not this, but the one I write in another language), that they think it’s great that I try to analyse my personality as Asperger’s Syndrome, but they will hate all people with Asperger’s Syndrome anyway because they were “hurt” by a few of them and they can never forgive Asperger’s Syndrome in general, they never want to interact with any one more of them.

I wonder if I should conclude all of my blog articles with “I am sorry for disturbing you, I know you are disturbed by us, and I am sorry for existing, but this is my opinion”? would that make them happy that we are apologetic or do we have a freedom of speech regardless of our mental or genetic conditions?

I appreciate all the autistic people (or non autistic people of course) who have the courage to speak out and promote their belief for the betterment of the society, especially when they are autistic, I can feel from the start that they will be consistent and genuine, and it comforts me.

I am looking forwards to seeing this lady grow up and soon she will be able to do even more as a grown up adult, I love seeing autistic people striving for themselves and for the world, such an inspiration.

“Common sense” is an emotional, dogmatic argument unless proven logical

“Go to school every day”
“Do your homework every day”
“Get married so you will be happy”

Whatever they said, whatever they “recommended” for long – persistently, did not establish logicality.

“Get married” – so I will be happy?

Where does that stereotype come from and why do they insist that regardless of any underlying logical arguments or reasoning?

I have always thought many people out there were emotional, dogmatic and inclined to pushed their emotional opinion on me – or maybe also on others, and forced me (or + others) to do things in the way they want us to do it.
Say – my mother wanted me to get married, so she says I will need to get married, and consequently I will be happy.

How am I going to be happy? how does that logically establish happiness? I have never, and I still have difficulties understanding the logical links there, it’s not as if I am refusing to hear more about their arguments, or simply why, if anybody insists on their opinion, they just have no further explanation because they simply accept the notion as it is – without digging deeper into it.

“Common Sense” – the common understanding of “common things” most people share is clearly absent from our brain. “Why do I have to have only one romantic partner?”, “Why is cheating bad? Emotionally, how?”, “Why is skipping homework a bad thing?”.

We need explanation, logical ones, absent logical explanation, we think they are emotional, they are emotionally telling us what they want us to do, which don’t make sense.

“(I want you to) Get married, (so I will be relieved, and your future will be secured and I believe) you will be happy” – … is that what they are telling us?

Since common sense hugely lacks from our brain, anything illogical (or not proven logical), or emotional sounded like nonsense, even if it’s part of the “common sense” that 90% of the population easily understood.

When 90% of the people present agree that “
Yes sure, you need to graduate from high school, of course you do”
– I might be still wondering why, and unless they establish logical reasoning and benefit of that argument, I will consider them being emotional, or dogmatic, not that I am strongly against the idea of graduating from high school – it’s just not in my system considered normal, and I require explanation (it’s just one example).

So I am often viewed as “emotional” by many others, when I don’t understand what they call “Common Sense” that they think we would easily understand (which we don’t), and because we are so much frustrated by lack of explanation, because to them, who would panic because there exists a lack of explanation? – We do, not because we are “emotional”, our brain signals simply can’t proceed illogical – or not proven logical input.

If we – at least I, try to explain my view, my perspective, the “90% of the population” would say I am annoying, call me desperate, and the worst case – emotional.

Because it is very hard for me to even initiate a talk or an argument against anybody, even if we do have a solid, concrete and perfectly logical argument, and we are still concerned whether our explanation or discussion is thorough, and they would listen to me, of course we are desperate.

We are just viewed desperate and because of our presence when throwing our argument, emotional, they don’t listen or look into the contents of what we have to say, and we are again considered – the panicking, or inconprehensive people –

I am extremely tired from being denied and disparage all the way today – , and having the superiority of the “90% of the population” and their arguments shown off, I am tired of not being understood, I don’t know if I am emotional, I am just worn out.

All I can think is please leave me alone… I can’t stand it anymore.

Different perspective

I don’t know if it’s only Asian parents – or any parents out there, but parents are controlling at times.
At least my parents – have literally spent years, over a decade convincing me to get married – to whoever I can find. I need to get married, I should not fear a divorce, I need to marry, as soon as possible, I couldn’t even question why – there was no option for me.

As you might be able to see by now – I had zero interest in marriage, I had every reason not to get married, I was happy by my own, and I was pretty sure I was going to be, single.

Parents are controlling, but not in a most direct way, they try to justify their opinion like I need to believe the same thing, and whatever they say is the best option and I should never dare to think otherwise.

Especially when you have Asperger’s Syndrome, you can’t take any jokes, if they tell me for over a decade that I need to get married or I have no life – I will instantly think that’s true, and I had no choice but get married.

Children – again, I desperately – have no interests in having. Plus, I’ve never been interested in passing my genes to any human person that is not yet out there. I have always thought adoption was a great idea, I am Asian – with black and white relatives I hung out with when I was little. I loved that peaceful environment I had back then, truly diverse, and liberal.
I’ve been keen on adopting children from different ethnic group, different gender and age, and establish a diverse family where nobody needs to fear difference and individuality. If I gave birth to my own children – say with different fathers from different ethnic groups – that’s still going to be a group of half Asian children, and was not diverse enough to me.

I doubt I will ever discriminate anybody – and if I did have my own child, and somebody else’s child in my house – I don’t think I will care whose genes they have, however – my parents again want to convince me indirectly – by murmuring that having kids of my genes is a good idea – … and no more will come out of their month which is quite illogical and I don’t understand why.

My mother once told me – that if she had somebody else’s child as hers, she might not be able to tolerate them when he or she behaved badly, but since her child is hers – genetically, she will have to think it’s her fault that she couldn’t discipline them (me) properly – and she will have to bear with it.

We will never share the same opinion, but it’s interesting that she goes straight back to “fair enough” settlement. “It’s my genes, it’s my bad”, I guess certain population shares the same opinion, though.

I am facing a question to myself lately – as I am growing older and considering woman can only deliver a child until a certain age, which people usually prefer:

  1. Having a married partner with whom you will raise the child(ren).
  2. Having your own child(ren), but no partner.

Say if I go for adoption, I will need a partner – actually, financially stable someone, in order for “us” to be approved as the adopting parents, although the the children will not be genetically related to neither of us (1), or there seems to be many ways of having child(ren) of my own without having a partner and it seems simply possible (2) – and wonder what other women out there would think today.

I enjoy learning about other’s opinion, because they are most of the time different from mine, and I am always hoping that someone will open my eyes – and give me a wake up call.

Strengths of Asperger’s syndrome

I have been writing about the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome in my mother tongue, however as I wrote more, the more and more hatreds I received from so they called “Cassandra” people and I gave up on staying on the platform – as I did not want to offend anybody unnecessarily.

I write blog for several reasons

  1. So I won’t forget my own philosophy of living
  2. So some people with Asperger’s syndrome might feel less lonely that there are people with unique thinking out there (I am happy when I meet people with Asperger’s Syndrome)
  3. The hope of making unintelligible Asperger’s a little more comprehensive to any non-autistic people

NOT for

  1. Forcing anybody to live or think the way I do
  2. Making readers believe in and stand for my philosophy
  3. insisting that I am right

People with Cassandra syndrome think they are the “victim” and they will hate me for being optimistic or looking at anything relevant to Asperger’s symptoms optimistically – that actually makes sense that I don’t see many Asperger’s friends writing blog or speak out their opinion out loud in public – we are to be blamed, and if we get the hate – for whatever unreasonable reasons like “because we are asperger’s and we should be hated” – I don’t think that’s something we – or at least I can’t take it.

However unfortunately, I am not always depressed over the fact that I was born with Asperger’s syndrome, because any human being has strengths and flaws, if our flaws have been discovered widely I think they are rather crystal clear from all the years long researches – it will be easy for me to find our strengths, that’s something I am good at.

Asperger Profiles: The Big Picture – Strengths

Since I’ve never really written on this subject in English, I had to look up again on the terms, related to Asperger’s syndrome and I’ve found these figures.

What Is High-Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder?

As I’ve written in the previous post – I did not know I had autism until around 24 years old. I thought “I was simply hated by everybody for no reason”.
However, at the age of 22 or around, I was told by somebody – that I was an Artist, so it’s ok to hated – it’s a controversial opinion but I felt relieved for some reason then. It gave me a reason why – why I was not accepted in some – or most places, “because I am an Artist”.

People could not understand what Artists would think, and I am unique, my individualities are not something a vast majority of people can understand or accept, it’s okay if they will hate me, it’s normal.

That was a good start, I could simply say okay, that makes sense, and I believed in that opinion for about 2 years, until I heard from my mother during a little chitchat –

“You know my friend N – her daughter has this thing called “Asperger’s syndrome”, that she runs outside the house and starts panicking on the street every now and then, but N was acting like she didn’t know what Asperger’s syndrome was, do you think she is just hiding that her daughter is one or she simply doesn’t know?”

She described further what Asperger’s Syndrome was – that the signal in the brain does not go through and the Asperger’s people cannot understand some of the signals that come and go in the brain and panic

the more I heard about it, the more I felt like the puzzle pieces were coming together and forming a picture – I turned to her and said

“Well that’s obviously me. You – or even I did not know I had Asperger’s syndrome so.. maybe your friend N simply hasn’t realised that her daughter has that, too, doesn’t she”

“Oh is it? haha”

Asperger’s Syndrome – later I’ve learnt that it’s a genetic disorder that the first child tends to inherit the condition from their parents, the second child and after are less likely to get the genes passed. I thought about my parents, my mother – definitely no. She is the most extroverted, outgoing, careless and cheerful person who takes the leadership in every situation.

My father – the fidgety one, when greeted, starts jumping around and either stares at me or again, fidgets, screams in the bath and calls me with completely weird name since I was little.
He calls my mother when I am with her and starts screaming that something is not there and starts panicking that he doesn’t understand something until my mother becomes annoyed and goes speechless.
He loves bookstores and when we are outside, he disappears into any bookstore he sees so only my mother can find him knowing he loves bookstores (“He must be somewhere in a bookstore! Did we walk past one?” she says”).
He speaks oddly like he came from the 1840s (though I don’t know how 1840s people spoke like) his memory is astonishing. He is a wikipedia for things he is passionate about.
When he gets thirsty at night, he goes to the kitchen, he trips everything over and after splashing tea on the floor, goes back to sleep – my mother gets freaked out in the morning but she doesn’t care – (great relationship, ideal, possibly)
His obsession with hygiene was intense, when my folk touches the table for a nanosecond, he panicked and screamed at my mother that I needed to change the folk. After he comes back home from work, he was yelling at us and told us not to come around him as he was filthy and nobody was allowed to touch his belongings.

Finally, my father is the most affectionate and compassionate person who can’t show that emotion properly – his interpretation of event is often incorrect but still, it shows his affection and I’ve concluded that – if he does not have Asperger’s syndrome, who does.

Anyhow, I have not only looked at a person with Asperger’s Syndrome subjectively – as in, myself – but objectively as well. Some of my friends have Asperger’s Syndrome, studying hard to understand themselves, and my father who thinks he has depression – which I strongly doubt he does. We are not the evil psychopaths, we – or at least they have strengths as well as flaws, like any other people.

Although any strength can be a flaw – depending on where you look at it from.
Using the reference of the figure I’ve posted above –

FOCUS: If you want to have a casual chitchat – when we are 100% focusing on something (this can last for over 20 hours straight), you might get frustrated and annoyed that we are not flexible.

FAIR & JUST: I am – logically, and legally fair and just. I am and I have been determined to be through my entire life. However I don’t know if I am morally fair and just, I don’t think so, since there is no guideline for that and I don’t know how. I don’t give an emotional mercy and I guess I am amoral – which makes me fair and just – in a way perhaps.

The rest of the “possible strengths” are shared with flaws so I assume they are widely known already – though it’s not because I have Asperger’s I am supporting them, but honestly – I can find strength of anybody, as well as flaw, if I tried.

I understand that we have a lot to be hated or blamed for, but we certain do have some good qualities – so hope they will be discovered – or at least if you have to deal with Asperger’s people, hope you can find some of those things so you can protect yourself from being bothered with their flaws that you can’t ignore.

Depression or not

I’ve been writing about how I have Asperger’s Syndrome, or autism, however – I don’t.
I don’t have them, to be precise.
It is the strong determination that I will never let any doctor diagnose me with anything – especially if it’s related to mental conditions. Therefore, officially – I don’t have any disorder, I only share all of the characteristics Asperger’s Syndrome shows, and my friends agree that I do show these symptoms, but that does not mean that I have been officially recognised with any type of autism by a certified doctor.

One of the reasons why I won’t go see a psychosomaticist is because I’ve read that the diagnosis is mainly based on what I say – what I claim and my opinions, and some more surveys, they will ask what my friends and family say about me and my behaviours, which i’ve personally confirmed subjectively and objectively, if the doctor will not study my brain wave, blood or organs medically, I wouldn’t ever be bothered to pay a visit to one.
I no longer suffer that I am odd, and off, that I don’t fit in the society, even if I don’t. I am not anymore frustrated that I can’t understand myself because I am over that phase. Even if I do, visiting a psycho- or psychi- doctor will absolutely be the last resort for me.

I’ve been to General Practitioners, of course, and spoke to the doctors about my frustration and stress, every time, they gave me a piece of paper which said I suffered depression.

Depression? How? What, why?

The doctor prescribed me some – various anti-depressants.
I had doubt, but I decided to take them punctually for some time.
I seem to be naturally highly sensitive to “medicines” in general, and the side effects were more effective than the main effect if there were any at all.
The anti-depressant put me asleep for 40 consecutive hours, I was unable to get up for more than a few hours every day, another one made me anorexic, not mentally like I feared food but I didn’t feel like eating while I was on the medicine which was over weeks.

While side effects were almost literally disabling me, I didn’t feel the main effect of the medicine to the slightest because

I didn’t have a depression anyway.

What were the doctors trying to treat, I only complained some things in life and of other people but that does not mean I have depression, I could stand up, go to school, I had friends, not many but some, I didn’t show any depressive symptoms, it was just that life was tough.

And I gave up on the medicines, whatever the doctor wanted to say, I ignored the prescription and didn’t take the medicine because I was obviously out of control while I was on them, which made me even more scared than possibly having must-be-treated depression.

So I was put into counsellors, a number of them.
It felt like a waste of time, but I thought I might learn something new from speaking with “people” which I usually can’t do, and convinced myself to be hopeful at least, if I had to spend my time on them.

One counsellor – was a great, old lady, she spoke to me about how she dreams the society to be – peaceful and free of discrimination, and she told me how she was thinking to achieve that. It gave me hope, it gave me dreams, maybe she realised I had Asperger’s Syndrome, without me even realising it.
She didn’t ask what was wrong with me, or if I was being aggressive, she only told me with a smile on her face – what she wants the world to be. It was soothing, and I’d definitely learnt new things – which I cannot learn usually due to lack of communication skill, I was happier after visiting the counsellor.

On the other hand, I also had an awful experience.
I don’t remember how aggressive or depressive I was to her, but the counsellor kept on telling me, every time I visited her, which was only a few times because I couldn’t mentally stand her –

“Please don’t die – never think about dying as long as you are my patient.”

It was scary, even if “dying”, “death” is the only thing she restricted me to do, I felt like she was fearing the whole existence of me. She added one time

“It will be my responsibility if you die – “

I gave up on speaking to her, I don’t know if I seemed awfully suicidal, or if I mentioned death, but she looked even more mentally unstable than the patient (I) was, and she was telling me she doesn’t want to be responsible for her job, was that really her job?

When somebody hates me, discriminates me, abuses me, and/or bullies me, I won’t say much back, but they become soon recognised as “enemy” unconsciously in my mind.

I guess she was my enemy at last, I had no trust, respect or appreciation for her, and I was highly doubting that she was qualified or certified at all to treat or comfort anybody.

The treatment of so they called depression I had ended with my absolute denial.

Depression? Nah.

That’s all, I guess. I won’t bother to take any medicine, they drive me insane, I won’t go to any doctor, (unless I can gain some advance medical knowledge, which I can’t by just one or two visits) I can stay home all by myself, study and work as much as I want for a few months and I am “cured”, it’s recurrent, it will repeat but at least I can repeat that “treatment” – staying alone and never interacting with others for a few months.

The difficult part is as I wrote earlier – Asperger’s Syndrome has manic and depressive statuses, thus I do, and certainly did come across those depressive times in my life, like I literally laid on the floor, without even knowing whether I am breathing,

“death”? what is that? by hurting myself? where do I start? Do I have to get up to do that? ….. *loses energy to speak or think*

or when I was forced to join a night out with colleagues, especially when there were many “other people”, obviously I behaved myself around “people” (manic status), then when it was over, I was over, I collapsed on the ground, cried out for hours until morning perhaps, yelled and blamed everybody that didn’t help me out, had breathing problems, I am not going to let me in there again.

In my case, Self Defence is to protect other people from me.

I’ve learnt to prevent depression, and the mental and emotional roller coaster by suppressing manic status – not the depressive status, if I don’t go high, I won’t go low, I will always be flat on a straight line.
That’s how I found my comfort, and no matter how many people say I am scary, or I don’t care about them, I won’t change, because I need my, and your peace, and by carrying out self defence, I am protecting you – from me.

Obsessive compulsive disorder

“OCD” – often associated with Asperger’s syndrome, I have been living naturally with OCD since little.
The obsession with hygiene ethics is a minimal symptom – even those of the extreme nature are, OCD tends to be seen as someone is being obsessed with hygienic practices, or cleanness, but that’s not only it.

When I first learnt about OCD – the line I heard was shocking.

OCD is a fear that you might kill yourself.

It’s not that “it’s a fear of being murdered”, nor “fear for murdering somebody”, but the fear that you don’t know whether you will hurt yourself so much that you might basically destroy your own self, and how uncontrollable that is.

As I’ve written previously – Autistic people tend to have manic and depressive statuses, “depression” – as many people know or have experienced is when you basically can’t stand up, you don’t even have the energy or hope to hurt yourself, or even physically move a single inch.
However when one is on manic status – they are physically vigorous, they might be full of energy, and – maybe you can imagine the consequences.

In my case I have noticed a few OCD symptoms that hit me but I’ve realised recently one of them that frequently crosses my mind is that – “if I offend somebody, they will kill me”.

I have been wondering why I always complimented any person I met and tried to make them feel as pleased as possible – to the best I could.
When I am successful at doing so, I don’t realise why I behave that way, I am only relieved that they seem happy, – although when I fail to do so, say when somebody seems offended by anything I said or did – I suddenly fear that they are going to kill me, and I can’t escape from the fear.
Later I decide to leave the place physically and I usually spend a long time eliminating that memory and fear off my brain, that’s how I realised my OCD symptom.

I guess this recurrent fear links to a distrusting problem, that I don’t take anything said or suggested by stranger (I call anybody other than myself “stranger”), unless it’s a legitimate “contract”.

When I was little, I was dreaded by my manic self, I was overly cheerful, and going extreme on everything then the next moment – I lose all the energy and I am no longer “able” to signal my finger to move a little, when something slightly wrong or frustrating happens, I could not tolerate it, when I fell, I fell to the depth of the bottomless hole.

It was difficult for years, but I have in recent years learnt, and I have personally decided to give up on both emotions – or say statuses, manic, and depressive.
If I don’t feel anything in the first place I will not go high or low, it is forever flat, and I’ve found my comfort there.

I cannot get rid of panics forever even though I can prevent it to the best of my abilities, if I feel anger, or frustration, my heart starts beating and my blood feels burning and I get a breathing problem, so I will not, confront anything, confront anything emotional or illogical, abusive or aggressive, I have decided to leave these matters forever for my peace.

I will not let anybody grab my arm and tell me to stay, I will need to refrain myself from causing trouble to anybody other than myself. If I go up, I will go down, and I will never go up, by anger, happiness or joy, instead, I have found my state of tranquility, I will never let it go.

Will I call “I have cured Asperger’s Syndrome”? No. It will always be in my head, but I will not me convincing myself forever – that I am not worth a life, because I have problems.

Everybody has problems, we have to live with them, then – I will live with them, as peacefully as I can and no matter how rough the road will be.

Autism amid COVID-19 crisis

COVID-19 bothered me first in January, it hit my OCD hard.
I read every article about COVID-19 which there weren’t many at that time in January until way past midnight, shaking alone in my room/
I was obsessed with studying about COVID-19 and SARS-COV-2, for 2 months until I figured – that I need to become a scientist or a doctor to research further.

COVID-19 confinement, lockdown, social distancing and stayhome campaign – as you can probably imagine, did so much good to me.
I felt sorry for not contributing and improving the local economy, but as much as I regretted, I was feeling relaxed, comfortable, thrilled and motivated to spend time alone on self improvement and self growth, I finally had an excuse everybody accepts for not seeing anybody or never going outside. Usually – back in 2019 I was annoying others for not seeing them or coming out at all, or simply being “boring”, however, this year it was legitimate. I was appreciated for never going out, studying on my own, enjoying confinement that I could never wish for.

Amid this crisis, there were a few things I could not understand due to the “only able to understand logical reasoning” nature of Asperger’s Syndrome.

Somebody – well, I believe most of the people out there feared COVID-19 infection for long, for example, my husband was so scared that he went out once a week for grocery shopping with plastic gloves and a mask, and took shower immediately after coming home, and he was fearing the possible infection for a week.

Then – the confinement/lockdown was over, the government said you may now go out – and he started going out, just walking around and hanging outside normally and when I asked if he still stays home (we don’t live together) –

What? Of course I go out, everyday yes, why not?

Well, it’s only been one or two months, and the government allowing you guys to go outside does not change the fact that the virus is still out there and the probability of infection.
I will not blame you for going out in general amid the crisis, shops and businesses need money flow and if you are contributing to them, that’s a good thing.

However, once you feared, possibly more than me and you even asked me for advices (I am obsessed with hygiene so I have rules established for everything to prevent infection of “stuff”), and now you don’t fear the virus because the government said you should go out? That’s utter nonsense, illogical – in my eyes.

The government says they will lift the confinement because they need to save the economy as much as they need to take care of the health and well being of the population, not because the virus disappeared magically over the month and the government certifies that your fear for infection is no longer a thing.

If one was not scared or worried at all from the start to the end consistently, say “I don’t care about COVID-19, I will go out anyway” since January until – now, August, they sound absolutely irresponsible and evil, but it does make sense to me, they adhered to their own determination, and regardless of the possibility of infection and potential death, they didn’t fear it for a reason.

Or someone can say “Because the government restricts us to go outside, we can’t go outside, otherwise we would, we are fine dying now”, (say they suffer from stage IV cancer and they have only 3 month life left, and they want to risk everything to enjoy the last moment of their lives) and whether or not I like the idea, I will understand what they are saying. They are consistent, and they know the risk.

If my husband – or anybody shares the same opinion (my husband is not the only person that thinks in that way actually), still fears the virus but goes out anyway because

  1. They emotionally or mentally can’t balance themselves anymore from staying home all the time and they can’t help, but go out.
  2. They want to spend money to help businesses out there, even with risking their own lives.
  3. We have to establish the “new lifestyle” by going out even if the virus is still a threat or we can never go back to our normal lives.

It does make sense even to me, they have reasonable reasons.

I am frustrated, their “human” reaction to events, like start of confinement, virus spread and lift of measures, change also the factual situation of the threat in their head for some reason and I will never understand the mechanism there.

I have been

  1. Fearing the virus since January, this hasn’t changed once until now
  2. Have been staying home since March
  3. If I have to go outside, I fear, but the government measures will not change so I will have to go out with as much protections as possible
  4. I know the risk, the possible death if I catch this virus, and it does bother me
  5. I understand that we have to bring back the economy and we can’t humbly stay home forever and spend money nowhere (might be good for ecommerce development but I don’t know if that would go successfully now)
  6. My assumption and understanding is that since SARS-COV-2 is a type of common cold, coronavirus family, I’ve believed it shares the nature with other coronaviruses that it hits harder on humans in winter or in cold weather, and slightly settles in summer, so if the government must lift the measures it can only be done in summer, so in summer, if people fear less, that makes sense but does not mean the it will not come back after summer.
  7. COVID-19 doesn’t give you a long lasting immunity, it barely lasts for 3 months in the body they say, even if many people get infected now in summer, that does not make them winter ready, if the virus evolves over time by the time it gets cold, humans will be even less ready for the second wave crisis.

Anyway, I understand the fact that we have to live normally somewhat, but I don’t stand with ignorance or arrogance, just because they are so illogical and tend to be emotional.

Again, if I write a post like this, some people will hate me for “being so selfish” or “my writing seems forceful” or “don’t push your opinion on us” and so on, I am not intending to involve you by writing this, though I am only stating that I question, and I am against the opinions that have no logical reasoning, and are nonsense, and above all is the reason why I am not for them.

Life in hexadecimal

When you have a conversation, you speak in decimal. You start with 1, 2, then 3, and 4, if your friend responds with 5, 6 then you say 7, 8, 9, 10, your friend agrees and responds with 11, 12 so you say 13, 14, and the conversation ends. You two had a succeessful, smooth communication.

I’ve never seen your response making sense once.

That was what one of my classmates said – back in school. I was surprised as I thought I was communicating with no problem with the other classmate, maybe she was laughing along with something that she didn’t understand, what a thoughtful person, I feel sorry now.

Nobody so clearly says the same thing anymore as we are now grown up and are more conservative and thoughtful, but I’ve come across the same situation multiple times – where somebody wants to point out how “off” my communication or response is.

After many years of observation, I have come to an assumption that I speak in hexadecimal, or something that is not the same in system with other people, and moreover, I skip number of steps when I communicate.

I seem to – for example, say “1-F”.

  • Some people freaks out and leaves.
  • Some people says I am weird and that I don’t belong there.
  • Some people laughs that I am interesting, and leaves.
  • Some people assumes what I was meaning to say between 1 and F and tries to communicate with me with their own interpretation.
  • Some people respects me for the outrageous way of thinking.
  • Some people thinks exactly the same – 1F, that’s what they wanted to say!

The last two categories of people – become friend with me and most likely forever, and I absolutely respect them for not discriminating me in any way, and communicating in the way they want to with me.

I think I am normal, because everybody is normal to themselves and I am normal in my standard, “normal” is a subjective term which reflects subjective interpretation, so is “common sense”.
However, I am aware that I am not with the majority of population when I were to speak out my opinion, most of the time I stand in the minority side of the group, even on small things like – whether we like giraffes or dogs more. I am usually in the minority.

My motto is again, not causing any trouble to others. That’s all that I need to do and no more or less that I can wish for.
I am usually – “humble” and “quiet” in a way that I can imagine the consequences if I speak out. But if anybody comes around and asks me for my opinion – “2-8, E-3, 5-2” if that is my response and they love it, then I will speak, I will help however the way I can.

I speak in hexadecimal with a lot of holes on my path is my assumption, and if somebody wants to tell me something in decimal – from one to a hundred, one by one, I get freaked out, sometimes – as far as getting panicking.

I need to know the conclusion, 1 and F, most of the time I understand what is being said and 2-E does not need to be clearly stated. In case if I don’t understand anything in-between – I suddenly become a researcher, study until I am a master of the subject of only “5” of “1-F”, I am then satisfied that there is no contradiction or illogicality and move on.

It’s maybe me – or it might apply to some other Asperger’s people, too but I cannot move on with illogicality. I cannot take anything unreasonable or anything without reasons.

“Do it anyway, don’t question why”

That’s the trigger of my panic, usually. I need reasons, I need logics to fuel me up, I need to understand every little thing so I can break down all the information and handle them like I have been for 100 years.

My ex colleague – well, my senior laughed that I was so hard to handle, that I get angry when there’s no reason some tasks need to be done.

I want you to understand when I write this – that I am not laughing at my senior, or colleague, or anybody that I have met in my life – but these people, who even with laughing at me or says my behaviours are funny or “interesting” and accepted me – have all my respect and appreciation, and trust. They amaze me.

Asperger’s syndromes do not have a severe developmental delay, or disability that you can see from outside, that’s actually one of the reasons that we freak other people out – that we look so some people call “normal”, and are not inside.

I am not being “proud” of being so unique, and different, or abnormal if you want to call, and again I am sorry – that I cannot behave like others, but that’s why – I know more than any other people how amazing – generous, accepting and understanding people are, and that I can never thank them and respect them enough.